Hi there, my name is Stuart.
I’m forty-one. I have brown hair—
at least I used to have brown hair,
it’s grey now. I have brown eyes—
well, I used to have brown eyes,
but I poked them out.
I’m five feet nine when I’m standing straight,
though normally I’m hunched over.
I don’t really believe in astrology,
but I’m a Cancer, which seems appropriate,
and I was born in 1959, the Year of the Pig,
which explains the condition my apartment is in,
although I did do a couple of dishes last week,
before I got distracted. Things I enjoy . . .
I enjoy moping about the state of the world
and worrying about missile attacks
by rogue states,
and I enjoy just spending an evening by the fireplace,
thinking about leaping into it
because of how depressed I am.
I also like to drink alone
and watch Meat Loaf and Pat Benatar videos
on MuchMoreMusic. I consider myself
a nature person and have a dead
plant on my windowsill,
but I’m not sure what kind it is.
I am employed, and I love my job
but fear I may get fired anytime soon
because they’re always downsizing.
I’m looking for that special someone
who will say nice things to me
because my self-esteem is so low
(it’s off the scale in this psychology test I took
that’s named after two German psychiatrists),
and basically I’m looking for someone
who I may be able to drag down with me.
If you’re interested, get back to me, and
maybe we can work something out.