Six Thousand Witches Versus Mary Tyler Moore

Fall, 2022 / No. 50

The Mandela Effect, where you remember it wrong?

Like your personal version to the lyrics of a song 

It didn’t happen that way, it’s not true, you’re incorrect

But that there’s the rub with the Mandela Effect 

Truth’s a nice idea but it misses the point 

One wrong little truth can empty the joint 

A tawdry urban legend you heard somewhere before: 

Six thousand witches versus Mary Tyler Moore

A tasty bit of gossip from a nameless magazine

A funny little item, if you know what I mean

A careless word that caused offence, the terrible result

A profane ultimatum from the sinister occult  

Emblazoned on the cover in a scandalous font 

Sex, Death, and Intrigue—what more could you want? 

Bold as brass, big as Life, in every grocery store

Six thousand witches versus Mary Tyler Moore

The interview, notorious, where she said what she said

And her words got twisted and her message misread

The backlash, outrage, a scandal at first 

That metamorphosed into rumours of a curse

Virally exploding into spiritual war

Six thousand witches versus Mary Tyler Moore  

And I burned shoe leather, running down every lead 

I haunted all the archives, I made my fingers bleed 

How often did I get shown the door? Me and my

Six thousand witches versus Mary Tyler Moore

Lots of “No comments,” “Let me check with my boss”

Lots of evasion and sudden memory loss

That old stone wall, speckled with moss

The eyes were all dotted, they just never came across 

It went from an obsession to a thankless chore

Six thousand witches versus Mary Tyler Moore  

Once Upon A Time, It Was Front Page News

But absent any evidence, there’s nothing you can do 

A candle always flickers, just before it fades 

And never believe what you read in the trades

The Me Decade was a strange arcade 

Better not to know how the magic gets made  

And never you mind how the bills got paid 

Focus on the sunshine and not on the shade 

It’s all best forgotten, kid, and that’s the final score

Six thousand witches versus Mary Tyler Moore