If I Were an Eggplant

If I were an eggplant,

I would not be writing this.

Instead, I would be a politician

or a lawyer.

Considering the current state of politics,

I ask you,

who wouldn’t vote for an eggplant?

If I were an eggplant,

I would go to the theatre

and watch movies all day long,

because no one ever asks an eggplant

to pay for a ticket

and even if they did,

where would I keep my money?

If I were an eggplant,

I’d probably be upset

a lot of the time

because people would often mistake me

for a zucchini.

Wouldn’t that upset you?

If I were an eggplant,

I would sneak into adult stores

(you know the kind I’m talking about)

and I would disguise myself

as a dildo

and be taken home

as a housewife’s plaything.

If I were an eggplant,

I would free my people from oppression

and march to the capital,

demanding equality for all vegetables no matter the colour of their skin,

their religious beliefs,

or their ability to go well with poultry.

If I were an eggplant,

I would do the right thing

and divide myself

to feed families

who, in turn,

would look beyond

my purplish appearance

and appreciate eggplants

for more than their ability

to dream of greatness.