Ikea Bed

Summer, 2015 / No. 35

The amateurs

digitally fumble


a threesome

on my screen

An elbow bumps a thigh

a knee jerks

hits a chin

She says aaah!

He says ohhh!

I can’t tell what the

other gal

is thinking

Her body mimes

something approximating


Then I see it

when the camera shifts

I look closer

at their bed

Their bed!

It’s just like mine

I compare our

Ikea faux white iron

Leirvik bed frames

Ninety-nine ninety-nine on sale

A bitch to assemble

with those tiny

Allen keys

The amateurs finish up

all three apparently


I lean back

against an identical


and click Replay

This time

the first woman winks at me

The guy


Hand to my chest

I whisper: me?

The other woman

raises her eyebrows

as though to say

Her? I didn’t agree

to a foursome, folks

I don’t like her attitude

I press Pause

plump up pillows, press Play

Gal No. 2 says:

It sags

What? I ask

The bed, dummy

The other two ignore us

kissing and rubbing

writhing and moaning

but she slips off the bed

comes in for a close-up

It’s cheap, she says

Not enough support

for a good quality mattress

I wish I’d sprung

for a Brimnes

Its generous storage compartment

could hold my bedtime reading

I know what you mean

I reply with wide eyes

This one is so princessy

but Malm, with its

underside drawers

is way more practical

Live and learn, she says

I nod at the sage advice

We say goodnight

I bookmark her

so we might

meet again

Farzana Doctor was named one of “Ten Canadian women writers you need to read now,” by CBC Books. She co-curates the Brockton Writers Series, and her third novel, All Inclusive, will be published in the fall of 2015. Last updated summer, 2015.